I absolutely hate crying. I hate even more not having any control of my depression. I hate when it creeps back into my life and makes me question why I’m even still trying. I sound so dramatic, it’s pathetic. I’m just so stressed right now, and I can’t find my happy pick-me-up that usually lifts me right out of this slump.
It hurts. my head. my body. my heart. It feels as if someone is just squeezing it with no care or regard to me.
I’m so worried that I’ve come this far with school for no reason. This PRAXIS is going to be the DEATH of me. I have taken it so many times and with each time, comes a fail. The only thing that is keeping me hopeful is knowing that I’ve passed the other two parts of it. I want to be a teacher. I need to be a teacher. I need to be a teacher because I set that goal for myself, and now it’s time to make it reality. The thing is, I know I would make a damn good teacher. Children are my passion and I know I wouldn’t be happy doing anything else. It really is unfortunate that this test exists just to ween people out of wanting to change the world. I just refuse to give up. The stressful part? I absolutely have to pass it before this time next week because I’m completely done with general education courses in TWO weeks. Yes, in TWO weeks this horrible, trashy, filthy, no good semester will be done kicking my ass. The problem is getting through these next two weeks (successfully). If I don’t pass this PRAXIS this time, I’ll have to sit out a semester. I can’t waste anymore time in school. I can’t. I just can’t, I’m sorry…but I can’t. It’s not possible. I can’t.
Things with my boyfriend continue to be amazing. We spent Thanksgiving together. Lounging in our pajamas on the couch/bed all day. I baked cookies (burned my thumb), and made us eggs for breakfast. I had such a great time with him. We did some serious talking about our future, even. THENNNN, around 6:30, we hopped into his car and headed toward Greenville. We saw Cirque De Soliel at the Bi-lo center. I loved it. I loved everything about it. He was just being amazingly sweet too! He bought us all kind of food to it there and then we took our seat. He wrapped his arm around me a little into the performace and then grabbed my right arm and just rubbed it. It felt so right, being there with him. Sometimes I notice that he rubs the ring that I wear on my ring finger. Not sure what it means, but it just gets me excited for the one day he will finally put a different ring on it.
I think I’m going to head to bed and just have a busy day tomorrow because I’m too overwhelmed and stressed with how this day turned out for me.
Lucky for me, I feel a little better after getting that out. I can’t believe it’s already Christmas season. I know, random. Oh, I got a new phone! Droid incredible dos…and it was freeeeee. That is all. Until next time,
Fin.
