Apparently, on December 2th, 2005, I was feeling quite similar to the way I am this very second. Depressed with no explanation. Okay, that’s lying. I have numerous explanations, I just wish I had explanation to the copious amount of tears that I’ve shed in the last three days or so. I also found a poem that I want to transfer here. I feel the need to preserve my writings. Most just sum up my angsty high school self, but it was still me. I didn’t like me back then, but I loved me enough to keep pushing to get to where I am today. I liked to think that I hated life, but I know I secretly just desired a better one..I’m beginning to accept the life I have and live it rightfully.

“Emptiness longs to be full. He cries with the open and hides in the secretive. He hovers over the mourning in their time of bereavement. He doesn’t mean to cause bad feelings in people; he’s just a symptom. A symptom of something bigger. Emptiness is larger than a mundane definition. Even Webster would fail trying to describe him in simple words. He is a substitute. He takes the place of loved ones who have left other people alone to deal with pain. He skips in the sun, and dances in the rain. He watches people cry useless tears of things that are far from their reach. Emptiness prays for Hope. Hope chooses to be introverted until she is sure she has what she wants. Emptiness swims with hope and sinks with fear. Fear and Emptiness together cause a disturbance. Do not disturb the fearful and empty. Emptiness hides inside of people who are lacking love. He breaks the heart and makes the body immobile. He tends to slow down the world, causing people to barely survive. He causes people heads to slowly look towards the ground with tears not to far gone. Emptiness watches the knees of so many shake in anticipation of wanting to be held. He is the reason for the tired knees of those who continue to pray for Hope. The reason for the pounding headaches of those who continue to cry out for something better. The reason for so many inevitable hard days, months, years…The world cries a little and dies a little more all the while screaming and cursing Emptiness to the point where they no longer have a voice, to the point where they just give…up?”

**Written in Honor English 3. I loved that class…even though I didn’t pass it, it wasn’t because I was horrible at english, but more so because I quit doing the work. I was numb to success.

Okay, so apparently I got lost with all my nostalgia and surfing the internet, I forgot I was updating. It’s quite late now..so until next time,

Fin.

It hurts. my head. my body. my heart. It feels as if someone is just squeezing it with no care or regard to me.

I’m so worried that I’ve come this far with school for no reason. This PRAXIS is going to be the DEATH of me. I have taken it so many times and with each time, comes a fail. The only thing that is keeping me hopeful is knowing that I’ve passed the other two parts of it. I want to be a teacher. I need to be a teacher. I need to be a teacher because I set that goal for myself, and now it’s time to make it reality. The thing is, I know I would make a damn good teacher. Children are my passion and I know I wouldn’t be happy doing anything else. It really is unfortunate that this test exists just to ween people out of wanting to change the world. I just refuse to give up. The stressful part? I absolutely have to pass it before this time next week because I’m completely done with general education courses in TWO weeks. Yes, in TWO weeks this horrible, trashy, filthy, no good semester will be done kicking my ass. The problem is getting through these next two weeks (successfully). If I don’t pass this PRAXIS this time, I’ll have to sit out a semester. I can’t waste anymore time in school. I can’t. I just can’t, I’m sorry…but I can’t. It’s not possible. I can’t.

Things with my boyfriend continue to be amazing. We spent Thanksgiving together. Lounging in our pajamas on the couch/bed all day. I baked cookies (burned my thumb), and made us eggs for breakfast. I had such a great time with him. We did some serious talking about our future, even. THENNNN, around 6:30, we hopped into his car and headed toward Greenville. We saw Cirque De Soliel at the Bi-lo center. I loved it. I loved everything about it. He was just being amazingly sweet too! He bought us all kind of food to it there and then we took our seat. He wrapped his arm around me a little into the performace and then grabbed my right arm and just rubbed it. It felt so right, being there with him. Sometimes I notice that he rubs the ring that I wear on my ring finger. Not sure what it means, but it just gets me excited for the one day he will finally put a different ring on it.

I think I’m going to head to bed and just have a busy day tomorrow because I’m too overwhelmed and stressed with how this day turned out for me.

Lucky for me, I feel a little better after getting that out. I can’t believe it’s already Christmas season. I know, random. Oh, I got a new phone! Droid incredible dos…and it was freeeeee. That is all. Until next time,

Fin.

Here I am. Sitting in my bed bawling like a big baby. I’m not quite sure I’ll ever understand why I torture myself with videos on youtube about wedding proposals. It’s sick. But nonetheless, it makes me cry because of how sweet they are. I can only hope mine turns out even sweeter.

And with that said, last Tuesday marked my boyfriend and my THIRD anniversary. Time sure does fly, but I love it. I finally got FLOWERS from him and  they are gorgeous. I stop right in my tracks and smell them at least twice a day. I also go ahead and read the card as well. I’m so lucky to have such an amazing man.

School is…well going. I’m still trying to pass the math praxis. I’m also trying to pass Biology…and PEES and History. So that makes only one easy A for this semester. Bleh. I’m just ready for this stupid semester to be over. Work is also..going. I’m so fed up with the way I’m treated there so I’ve been looking around for another job. I had an interview with another daycare in the area last week and it seems promising but I don’t want to get my hopes up.

For Thanksgiving this year, Boyfriend G and I are going to celebrate with my family (tentatively). And then we’re heading down to Greenville and seeing Cirque De Soleil.  I’m so excited! It was my birthday present from him.

Sorry this post isn’t very entertaining but I’m just not feeling very witty tonight (at 2:33am) so I’m going to post this soon and continue watching my proposal videos.

Until next time,

Fin.

Not much else is up besides the thoughts of my boyfriend. School starts Thursday. More than ready to just get this semester over and done with. I’ve made an appointment to finally get these bothersome wisdom teeth out. They hurt pretty bad. I also made an eye exam appointment. Hello new glasses ANDDDD contacts! I’m pretty excited to try them for the first time!

More on the Maid Of Honor story from last post (like I promised). A friend from school, We’ll call her friend M. She was proposed to at the Biltmore House back last December. I was happy for her, yet envious as well. Something I’m finally beginning to grasp is that even though I have been dating longer than some of the people who are now married or close to marriage, doesn’t matter. And the fact that I’m older doesn’t matter either. I hope being in her wedding helps me slow down the pace with wanting it so badly for myself. She first asked me to be a bridesmaid and that was exciting in itself. We traveled to Augusta with her mother and sister (ex-MOH) and picked out my dress, and her sisters dress! Her sister is sixteen and didn’t really care much about her wedding. At lunch the other week, she asked me to take the place of her sister has her MOH. She said she ran it by her sister, and her sister was okay with it. So of course there was no reason to say, no. So that’s the story!

I’m sleepy. This entry is now finito.So until next time,

Fin

It’s been awhile, I apologize. Right now it’s 2:45 in the morning and I’m sitting on my bed, watching the first episode of Scrubs on my netflix, in my room. Yes, MY is the key word. I officially moved in with my best friend. Sure, we’ve had our ups and downs, but I wouldn’t want to live with anyone else. This post will be pretty short lived since I’m getting terribly tired. School starts next Thursday and I’m actually excited. Next semester I will be in the program and SO excited. Work is going well as well. This is the BEST schedule I’ve had so far. My school schedule allows me to work MWF mornings. YAY! This means less evening shifts. DOUBLE YAY! I do have a Thursday night Biology lab though. TRIPLE BOOO!

I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND SOOO MUCHHHH!! I know my last post stated that I wasn’t sure if I wanted him, but I do!! I DO I DO I DO I DOOOOO!! And yes, I know I’m prematurely yelling this, seeing as how we’re not even engaged, but I don’t mind anymore. I simply don’t mind. It will happen when God is ready for it to happen. I can say though, for the first time in a LONNNGG time, I am genuinely happy with my life. Oh did I mention? I’m someone’s maid of honor!! Details later, pinky promise

Anywho. I’m nowhere near as witty and cunning as I usually am. This means this post is ova. Fo’ sho.

Until next time,

Fin.

I feel as if the summer just began, but sadly, it’s not much more left of it. Places my boyfriend and I have traveled to? Zero. Zip. Nada. *Squeals* Wish I made more money.

June 3rd, 2011, one of my baby sisters graduated high school. So surreal, considering June 3rd, 2007, I graduated high school. That’s however not the only thing that happened on that day, that day, I also learned to put away my differences with my family and forgive them. They didn’t ask for forgiveness because they don’t even realize how bad they’ve hurt me in the past, but in order to be okay with myself, internally forgiving them was the best option. Since then, I have spent countless nights at home reminiscing on old times, as well as making new memories. Living between three places gets quite irritating. And so, with that said, I’m praying to get my own place soon. I would love nothing more than to go to my trunk to put groceries and not have to make room with my traveling bags and suitcases. To own a kitten and name her lacy. To live in a very clean place and let my OCD run rapid. To have company over, or to just hide out from reality without having to answer anyone. Maybe this sense of independence came from rocky clingy relationships I was involved in in high school. Or maybe it’s because I come from a big family. In any case, nothing would make happier.

Up until this weekend, I have been praying for an engagement from my boyfriend. I even priced weddings at certain venues that I would love to get married at. However, this weekend fits into the “less desirable weekends spent with my boyfriend” category of my life. He has paid me zero attention since I arrived during a somewhat frightful thunderstorm Friday night. Since then, my eyes have been doing some raining themselves. So thanks, Boyfriend G. I know he loves me. I know it, but being me, I also need him to show it. A lot. So yes, I think I want to be with him my whole life, but thinking isn’t good enough. So until I know again for sure, we’re fine just where we’re at.

School is approaching slowly, but surely. September 1st, to be exact. I’m praying that I pass the Praxis fairly soon, because I want to be able to emergency screen next month. I reviewed some of the problems in the book earlier today, but I know I must continue to do so every day until it’s test time.

I’m currently in a state of nostalgia. Reading my wall-to-wall with ex factor best friend, Allison. We had so many good times, SO many. And it’s hard to know that they all mean nothing anymore. No picking up where we left off because society says it’s not right to forgive and forget. Scratch that, society actually states that there is no forgive and pick up right where you left off. I did forgive her though, and would nothing more to be close again, but why set myself up for getting hurt again? My parents recent trip to Chicago, also has played a decent sized role in my nostalgic state of mind. I miss my family, friends, and just certain places. I miss our old house. I miss the times when I was innocent and naive enough to think my parents wanted the best for me. Maybe they did. But I’m 22 years old now. My life is solely resting on my shoulders. So scary.

Well boyfriend G, is currently telling Bella, in a repetitive and slightly stern voice to fetch. He has been pretty successful in getting her to learn commands. I know this will sound sort of perverse because of this comparison, but…he’ll make a great dad someday. I’m going to check out what exactly is going on out there and maybe pop some popcorn. So until next time,

Fin.

Why did I seriously just torment myself by looking at my friends honeymoon album on facebook? Or reading my other friends status about getting married next June.

I just want to be engaged. Is that too much to ask for?

Apparently so.

Fin.

I’m back from my lovely vacation at the beach. May 7th-14th were some pretty awesome days. I went to the beach with my best friend, her parents, her sister, and her sisters best friend. Not knowing how living and spending each second together for a whole week would turn out, I would say it went well. I’m back now.

I have a dentist appointment Monday morning, so I decided to take off Monday night. I’m working Wednesday morning for a little bit so I can make up the hours then. I try and stay far away from Greenwood as possible. Because…

The infamous “thirteen year cicadas” have infested every nook and cranny of that town.

See how gross they are? I run from these things because they cling to clothes and skin and can remain un noticed for several minutes.

Well I’ve gotten caught up with reading about these things so maybe an edit will come soon? If/until then,

Fin.

I know it’s been quite some time since I’ve updated. I’m lucky enough to have finished classes last Friday though. I had an exam at 8am this morning, and then I have another on Wednesday at 8am. After that, I’m so DONE! I’m trying to do summer school, so that I can be exactly where I need to be when the fall semester comes around. When (and I mean, WHEN) I pass the Math part of the Praxis, I can emergency screen for the Education Department August 23rd. So that is what I plan on doing. I’m trying to remain hopeful, because that’s all that’s left. Hope.

After saying that about Summer school, I’m kind of in a jam. You see, my boss is making the schedule for the summer really soon. The schedule that she is making has me working mornings and that is what I wanted, but with summer school, I wouldn’t be able to work those hours. Not sure what I should do…if I wait until I find out about summer school from financial aid, then it may be too late…

Things with my boyfriend have been mediocre. Which makes me saddened to say. I wish things were like they used to be, but living in nostalgia doesn’t fit well with my boyfriend. He gets annoyed when I mentioned how much I loved the past. We don’t hardly fight anymore, but I’m not happy. *Sigh* Maybe the summer will bring good times for us. I just wish he were more…loving? I know this may be too much information, but when we’re in bed is the only time that I feel deeply and passionately loved by him. Problem? Of course it is. Solution? I’m not too sure…now you see my problem!

Things with my parents are no better than they have been. I’ve still been treated rudely and they see no problem with it. I talk to my mother sometimes, but that’s because she calls me lot. Ever since Symone left home, I haven’t talked to her. Oh well. Family may be everything to some people, but to others it’s just something..

My life is depressing, but I suppose it could always be worse…So I’ll continue to count my blessings and hope and pray for more.

Until next time,

Fin.

I’m still working at the nursery. I work everyday now! I love it, but I wish there was something more permanent that I could work. Until then, I will continue to work it though. I’m thinking about applying to the YMCA’s around my boyfriends place. In case I move in with him…soon. Last week, we tested out his idea of us living together, and it was nothing short of amazing. The only downfall was me traveling the 30 miles to greenwood and then the 30 back to Laurens everyday because of school and work.

In November, my boyfriend and I celebrated our two year anniversary. Things have been going so well. We spent our third Christmas and News Years together. And on Monday, will mark our third Valentines day. I have been asking God for patience in this situation. Everyone alive who knows me, knows how ready I am for an engagement. I can’t rush it though, it’s not my decision. He’s said since we’ve started dating, that he wants to be married before he’s 30. Tomorrow marks his 28th birthday…
With friends getting proposed to all over the place, it’s hard not to feel at least a tinge of jealousy. It hurts, knowing they’re couples getting engaged who haven’t even been dating as long as my boyfriend and I. It’s not their fault though. My best friends boyfriend reached out to me about their relationship. He’s proposing in May to her. I am so incredibly happy for her (even though I can’t mention it to her) but it’s this feeling in my heart that literally feels as if it’s crushing into itself. So dramatic. I know, doesn’t mean I can change it.

Well, I just wanted to give a swift update. I’m off to attempting more homework before it’s time for work.

Until next time,

Fin.